You Are (Not) In Trouble

Shira Preiser, LMSW

© 2025. This work is openly licensed via CC BY-NC-ND

What was the first time you remember getting in trouble as a child?  Mine was forgetting my homework at home in first grade.  If I concentrate, I can still recall the emotions I felt, looking at the folder that was supposed to hold my worksheet: confusion, anger, and guilt.  You can probably recall a similar moment, one where you felt overwhelmed or ashamed.

I often encounter parents who worry their children aren’t learning to take responsibility because they can’t stand to be in trouble.  These kids argue, hide their mistakes, or shift the blame to someone else.  Parents see these behaviors and worry that their children won’t be able to build close relationships or be part of a team at work.

I also know many adults who live with a constant, low-level worry that they’re somehow in trouble.  Ironically, many of them are the opposite of those parental worries and work hard in both their professional and interpersonal lives, but this anxiety shows up in other ways.  For example, these adults may struggle to identify and advocate for their needs, or to set boundaries.

In both cases, we have people struggling with deep feelings of fear and shame that make true growth difficult.  How did we get here?

Before we look at some of the neuroscience behind these struggles, I want to define the concept of being “in trouble” a little more clearly.  Being in trouble is not the same as the everyday experiences of making a mistake or regretting a decision.  These can still bring up difficult feelings, even intense ones, but you’re still in the driver’s seat.  As you navigate what comes next, you can choose how you’ll react and what you learn from the experience.  Most importantly, you still feel a sense of safety.  

Being in trouble isn’t like that.  Think back to our earlier example.  You probably recalled a feeling of being small or helpless.  Children don’t have the same level of control, either of their external circumstances or internal reactions, as adults do– but when we feel in trouble as an adult, it’s as if we’re right back to being that little kid again.

You may also notice a more intense physical reaction to the feeling of being in trouble, such as tightness in your chest or difficulty breathing.  If you experience this feeling often, it can even result in more chronic health problems like migraines or stomach issues.

The field of interpersonal neurobiology also offers us some evidence to support this distinction. For the purposes of this article, I’ll use Dr. Becky Beaton’s terminology when talking about the brain, though I will also draw concepts from the work of Robyn Gobble.

Beaton divides the brain into three “states,” each centralized in a specific area.  The front brain is associated with the executive state, the mid brain with the emotional state, and the brain stem with the survival state.  When we are in our executive state, we can learn new skills and access old ones.  Beaton refers to this as being "regulated."  However, once control of the brain shifts, the priorities of cognition do too.  Our actions become more reactive and safety-driven, and we become "dysregulated."  This is one reason why feeling helpless is such a common part of being in trouble: the tools we rely on for problem solving simply aren’t there.

So how can we combat dysregulation in ourselves or people we care about?  The process of moving back up into the executive brain state is referred to “co-regulation” or “self-regualtion” depending on the focus of the support.  I’ll go into more detail on the processes in future posts, but all forms of regulation are built on one power factor: connection.

Here’s a scenario you’re probably familiar with: one partner comes home from a stressful day of work, and wants to vent.  The other partner jumps in with suggestions on how to fix the problem or avoid it in the future.  The first spouse feels angry, or disconnected; they didn’t want to brainstorm, they wanted their partner to listen.

It’s incredibly difficult to be with someone you care about while they’re in pain.  Likewise, it’s hard to ask for someone to just be with you in vulnerable moments.  Yet, we’ve all experienced times where we crave that feeling of connection.

Humanist psychologist Carl Rogers coined the term “unconditional positive regard” to describe the fundamental need of all human beings to have relationships where they are supported and cared for, regardless of whether their emotions and behaviors are “good” or “bad.”  Later psychologists sometimes also refer to this as "positive regard,” in recognition of the fact that all relationships require boundaries (please see the author’s note for more details).  Positive regard is vital for people to be able to grow and reach their full potential.  It’s also the key to understanding how to offer connection and, ultimately, co-regulation.

When one person offers positive regard to a loved one while they’re dysregulated, they send them a simple, but powerful message: you are not in trouble.  This isn’t about avoiding responsibility.  Instead, think about it as hitting the pause button.  Once you’re regulated, you’ll have the tools to navigate what comes next– but right now, you need a moment to prepare.  Positive regard gives people a safe place to quiet their nervous system and reconnect with the parts of themselves with the bravery to take accountability.  That calm, warm space is the key to moving forward with integrity and courage.

Author’s note: it’s important to underline that these concepts require a healthy relationship to be effective.  In order to offer positive regard to another person, there has to be a basic foundation of safety and trust.  Boundaries are important in all relationships, especially the closest ones.  If a person is routinely ignoring the boundaries of another person, or demonstrates abusive or harmful behaviors like threats, manipulation, belittling, or violence of any kind, positive regard cannot occur.